Celibate American. Good, Clean American. Dirty Boys and Girls.

text VIRGINIA RAND

120 film ADAM HUTSELL

Between 2016 and 2018, Los Angeles-based writer Hassan Galedary discarded his entire bed. He converted his room into a study and slept on the couch in his shared house. 

Despite the parallels to a Benedictine monk, the initial intention was not spiritual. “I don’t think I knew why I was doing it at the time,” he said. “I just knew I had some shit I needed to work through.” 

Around the time this began, Hassan came off probation; for the first time since he was 12, the then-30-year-old was no longer under any form of county supervision.

Outside of organized religion, Hassan believes in God, but says he was not always ‘a man of God,’ nor someone on a path to enlightenment. Collectively he’d spent around two years incarcerated—either in juvenile hall or L.A. County Correctional—by the time he was 29.

Removing the bed as a platform to which temptation might be invited became a practical and symbolic endeavor resembling celibacy. The vast majority of this time involved an absence of sexual contact with others, and decreased sexual contact with himself.

   CEL•I•BA•CY  |   \ ‘se-lə-bə-sē \

   (NOUN) 1. THE STATE OF NOT BEING MARRIED. 

  2a. ABSTENTION FROM SEXUAL INTERCOURSE 

  2b. ABSTENTION BY VOW FROM MARRIAGE

SYNONYMS: ABSTINENCE, CHASTENESS, 

CHASTITY, CONTINENCE 

—as defined in the American English dictionary by Merriam-Webster, Inc.

Celibacy and abstinence are incredibly broad terms. Interchangeable in some contexts, ‘celibacy’ usually connotes religious practice devoid of sex. ‘Abstinence’ in America is usually invoked by Christians to advise against sex outside of marriage. The concept is found among innumerable religions, from swamis of Hinduism to Jain monks, Buddhist bhikkhus/bhikkhunis to Catholic nuns and priests. Universally, it has been used as an approach to corporeal transcendence, enlightenment, or becoming one with your God.

As Americans have exercised their First Amendment rights to freedom of speech and freedom of religion (or from religion), recent years have seen shifts in how we express ourselves spiritually and sexually. Fluid as we have become in our sexual identities, so it is in how we choose to not have sex—and where lies the boundary between ‘sex’ and ‘not sex.’ But the last four decades of American history conjure painful memories associated with celibate idealization, righteousness, contention, and controversy: Catholic priests abusing altar boys, the HIV/AIDS crisis during the Reagan administration, abstinence-only sex education, sex or drug addiction, pop stars and purity rings.

When the Bible invoked the term ‘to know’ a man or woman instead of saying ‘had sex,’ ‘coitus,’ or ‘thus they fucked,’ this terminology had a deeper purpose than the euphemism which made us giggle in Sunday school and harbor new appreciation for the saying, ‘the more you know.’ 

Emily, a Christian from Texas whose faith has brought her on missions to Zambian villages, offered the expanded etymology of this term. 

‘To know’ comes from the Greek word ‘gnōsis’—which translates more specifically to meaning ‘seeking the divine spark in being human, the deliverance from earthly constraints.’ 

γνῶσις

The original writing of ‘gnōsis’

‘To know’ or ‘be known,’ a place is created where gnōsis cultivates loving recognition of our immaterial essence, of, and beyond flesh. In a biblical sense, gnōsis occurs in a sacred space, preceded by vows, a covenant, and thus a marriage—knowing someone’s divinity as you know them physically.

By his own definition, Hassan’s two years without a bed wouldn’t be considered celibate. “The best streak I had was…six days…of true celibacy, I mean” he said.

We were talking about the cavalier nature with which some young Americans identify as celibate. Some want to be self-congratulatory, seeking to attain unspecified ideals implied in the word. But abstaining from forms of sexual contact has also been attributed, in a myriad of grey shades and parameters, to spiritual and emotional healing for Americans in their 20s and 30s today. This includes (but isn’t limited to): healing from sexual violation, addiction and alcoholism, existential crises, or a lack of self-knowledge. The choice is made with a multitude of intentions and personal negotiations as to where the line is drawn.

There’s no religious judgement, but the line is clear for what Hassan personally considers celibacy to be. With an exasperated grin, he responded to the year or so long breaks many take to buy a vibrator or fleshlight and delete their dating apps. “All these motherfuckers wanna call themselves celibate,” he laughed, “You can’t just be jerking off the whole time!

1999: PORTLAND, OREGON’S MAGAZINE BARFLY PRINTS AN ISSUE FEATURING THE IMAGE OF A MELANCHOLY WHITE KITTEN ABOVE CAPTION: STOP THE SLAUGHTER. EVERY TIME YOU MASTURBATE, GOD KILLS A KITTEN. THINK ABOUT IT. 

2002: FARK.COM ADAPTED THE COMPOSITION WITH A KITTEN BOUNDING OVER A LUMINESCENT GREEN MEADOW AND PURSUED BY JAPANESE DOMO-KUN CHARACTERS. IT GOES VIRAL.

2003: WESTWINDS COMMUNITY CHURCH OF JACKSON, MICHIGAN POSTS BILLBOARDS OF THE IMAGE AS ADAPTED BY XXXCHURCH.COM 

(A CHRISTIAN SITE HELPING THOSE WHO STRUGGLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY, WHO HAVE DISPERSED THOUSANDS OF BIBLES EMBELLISHED WITH A HOT PINK LOGO READING “JESUS LOVES PORN STARS”). A RELATIVELY UNKNOWN  INDIVIDUAL NAMED JAY PORTER, FORMERLY ASSOCIATED WITH WESTWINDS COMMUNITY, STATES: “‘GOD KILLS A KITTEN EVERY TIME YOU MASTURBATE’ IS NOT AN ADVISABLE MESSAGE TO DIRECT AT CHILDREN.” HE IS QUOTED BY FOX NEWS. 

2006: BRITISH ONLINE NEWSPAPER THE INDEPENDENT REFERENCES THE MEME WHICH INSPIRED THE NAME OF SCOTTISH SEX CLUB AND PARTY COMPANY, KILLING KITTENS. 

In accordance with the Bible, many of today’s Christian youth ministries recommend abstinence from all forms of sexual stimulation outside of marriage, including the communities surrounding Emily and a 25-year-old minister named Joy Pedrow. When asked to name dividing lines, neither of the women jumped to dictate where the boundaries lie for individuals. Their personal considerations for abstinence follow biblical values. The potential for beauty, sanctity and the individual’s road to God, however, were conveyed as priorities. 

“We cannot first focus on the behavior, the rules—we must first focus on our hearts,” said Joy. “Let’s focus on the good and stop threatening people that they will go to hell if they have sex.” 

My third grade class found the term ‘sexual intercourse’ accidentally in the dictionary, after our unwitting teacher had us search for something in “S.” Following the heading was a stomach-churning combination of phenomena: ‘penis’, ‘vagina’, ‘insert’. 

What we were originally meant to find was promptly forgotten forever. 

There were screams. Calculations were made about the number of kids per family, and fingers were pointed, accusing, horrified. 

You’re one of three? That means…No they didn’t… NO!

The clinical dividing line of ‘intercourse’ is what’s referenced in the dictionary definition of celibacy. ‘Abstinence’ is listed as a synonym.

Women in particular are at risk for being labeled “tainted” or “impure” for not adhering to celibate ideals, and for not being virgins. Adultery, fornication, and promiscuity have historically carried the weight of death by stoning or burning at the stake. But we’ve moved on from those days, right? 

FROM THE NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, JOHN 8

1 BUT JESUS WENT TO THE MOUNT OF OLIVES. 2 EARLY IN THE MORNING HE CAME AGAIN INTO THE TEMPLE, AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE COMING TO HIM; AND HE SAT DOWN AND BEGAN TO TEACH THEM. 3 THE SCRIBES AND THE PHARISEES *BROUGHT A WOMAN CAUGHT IN ADULTERY, AND HAVING SET HER IN THE CENTER OF THE COURT, 4 THEY *SAID TO HIM, “TEACHER, THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN ADULTERY, IN THE VERY ACT. 5 NOW IN THE LAW MOSES COMMANDED US TO STONE SUCH WOMEN; WHAT THEN DO YOU SAY?” 6 THEY WERE SAYING THIS, TESTING HIM, SO THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE GROUNDS FOR ACCUSING HIM. BUT JESUS STOOPED DOWN AND WITH HIS FINGER WROTE ON THE GROUND. 7 BUT WHEN THEY PERSISTED IN ASKING HIM, HE STRAIGHTENED UP, AND SAID TO THEM, “HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN AMONG YOU, LET HIM BE THE FIRST TO THROW A STONE AT HER.” 8 AGAIN HE STOOPED DOWN AND WROTE ON THE GROUND. 9 WHEN THEY HEARD IT, THEY BEGAN TO GO OUT ONE BY ONE, BEGINNING WITH THE OLDER ONES, AND HE WAS LEFT ALONE, AND THE WOMAN, WHERE SHE WAS, IN THE CENTER OF THE COURT. 10 STRAIGHTENING UP, JESUS SAID TO HER, “WOMAN, WHERE ARE THEY? DID NO ONE CONDEMN YOU?” 11 SHE SAID, “NO ONE, LORD.” AND JESUS SAID, “I DO NOT CONDEMN YOU, EITHER. GO. FROM NOW ON SIN NO MORE.”

2008 MTV VMAS: ON LIVE TV, AMERICAN IDOL WINNER JORDIN SPARKS SAYS TO BRITISH HOST RUSSELL BRAND: “I JUST HAVE ONE THING TO SAY ABOUT PROMISE RINGS. IT’S NOT BAD TO WEAR A PROMISE RING BECAUSE NOT EVERYBODY—GUY OR GIRL—WANTS TO BE A SLUT.” THE AUDIENCE CHEERS.

There is a grim segregation of American values within the roots of the 1990s and 2000s ‘purity’ fad. Those who didn’t make the cut—who were not pure—were ostracized when the rise of “Just Say No” and abstinence-only education campaigns equated and interchanged the language referring to people who had sex, people who did or sold drugs, people who were not “good Americans.” 

This lexicon set divided lines between those who were clean and pure, and those who were not. Catalyzing hyperbolic references, America was also witnessing the rise of the HIV/AIDS crisis in the 1980s. Rather than offering comprehensive education about sex and drugs, concerted efforts to protect the “good Americans” took precedent. Good intentions brought about moral panic, in which little distinction was made between who was struggling with what in the realm of dirty boys and girls. 

Amidst these vehement judgments, Americans with tainting factors disqualified them from moral protection and the consideration afforded to good, clean Americans. This included the sexually active people at risk for or fighting HIV/AIDS, who were stigmatized and demonized by some religious zealots, telling them the virus was God’s will to purge the world of them. 

In the 1980s a blood and sexually transmitted infection was spreading across the country while Nancy Reagan toured the United States and told kids to “Just Say No” to drugs. Regardless of whether it was her intention, her campaign became propaganda for an idealized America.

A line was drawn while people were dying every day. They needed help. They needed to be seen. Instead, they were told that they were faggots, that they were junkies and sluts, that they should have “just said no,” that they should have been clean and practiced abstinence.

To this day, asking “are you clean?” can mean “are you clean from drug use?” or “are you clean from sexually transmitted infections due to multiple partners?”

‘Clean’ implies something shameful, the inverse of dirty. Divided mentality was aggravated by Reagan-era vocabulary distinguishing the ‘good’ Americans from the ‘bad,’ the ‘saved’ from the ‘sinful,’ the ‘clean’ from the ‘dirty,’ ‘drug addicted,’ ‘fornicators.’  

As it was in the Dark Ages, these hard lines of ideals contradicted the values of grace, of non-judgment, of helping those in need. Sickness in the forms of infection and addiction were met with cold judgment and idealization of sexual cleanliness.

1982:  JULY 27TH: THE TERM AIDS (ACQUIRED IMMUNODEFICIENCY SYNDROME) IS FIRST USED. CONFIRMED DEATHS IN USA DUE TO AIDS IN THIS YEAR ALONE: 853. PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN’S PUBLIC ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF THE AIDS CRISIS: 0

1983: CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL (USA) WARNS BLOOD BANKS OF POSSIBLE CONCERNS WITH US BLOOD SUPPLY. CONFIRMED DEATHS IN USA DUE TO AIDS IN THIS YEAR ONLY: 2,304. PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN’S PUBLIC ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF THE AIDS CRISIS: 0

1984: CONFIRMED DEATHS IN USA DUE TO AIDS IN THIS YEAR ONLY: 4,251. PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN’S PUBLIC ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF THE AIDS CRISIS: 0

1985: JULY: DURING A PRIVATE PHONE CALL, PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN SPEAKS WITH HIS FRIEND ROCK HUDSON IN A PARIS HOSPITAL ROOM AS THE ACTOR IS BEING TREATED FOR AIDS.

SEPTEMBER 17TH: IN DIRECT RESPONSE TO A REPORTER’S QUESTION ABOUT AIDS AND WHETHER HE COULD SUPPORT A GOVERNMENT RESEARCH PROGRAM FOCUSED ON SOLUTIONS, PRESIDENT REAGAN CLAIMS IT HAS BEEN A “TOP PRIORITY” FOR THE ADMINISTRATION. 

OCTOBER 3RD: ROCK HUDSON DIES DUE TO AIDS-RELATED COMPLICATIONS. CONFIRMED DEATHS IN USA DUE TO AIDS THIS YEAR ONLY: 5,636. PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN’S PUBLIC ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF THE AIDS CRISIS: 1

An Iranian Latino-American, Hassan was brought under a different kind of authority when he spent time incarcerated. The state of California had him physically restricted, but as a half-Latino man, the S.U.R. (Southern United Raza—the gang affiliation with which Hassan identified) had dictation regarding behavior. When I asked about the notoriously high number of rape amidst inmates, Hassan said, “Not in my race.”

Gang hierarchy varies from dorm to dorm depending on who is ‘inside’ at a given time, but the conservative views of how Latino men should conduct themselves frowns upon horseplay and sexual banter between inmates. Almost all young men play-fight, wrestle, and know that the genitals are an easy spot to grab to provoke a reaction or exert control. We’ve all seen juvenile retorts take the shape of a sexual invitation (“suck my dick”, “lick my nuts”) but within correctional facilities, such behavior is forbidden among the men abiding these gang politics. 

Undulating beneath the surface of ever-present violence, riots, the uncertainty of how much time will be spent in jail or prison preceding sentencing, this abstinence is enforced as a means of protection from each other.

Emily reminded me that sexual abstinence pre-existed the controversies of recent America as protection for our sexual selves, to give it a place to be “maintained and to flourish”. She and Joy both spoke of the gift of sex, and how to honor each other through it. They reminded me that Jesus saves and Jesus forgives.

I didn’t ask either about the HIV/AIDS crisis. During their interviews I was not set on how to frame the contextual history of America’s relationship to celibacy. Further research revealed the unmistakable mark it has made on how we view the terminology in this country.

Many of us in major American cities—Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City—are wary when confronted by the language of abstinence or celibacy, given the history of how these words hold memories of condemnation and division rather than solution. 

The understanding of gnōsis and the creation of sacred space, a safe space to express ourselves sexually, are offered as possible paths to understanding love. True compassion was evident for those affected by judgment and hatred. Emily said that the discipline of abstinence is “not to earn righteousness or favor,” but an option for people to experience the divinity of our nature beyond the carnal. Neither she nor Joy mentioned virginity or purity in reference to celibacy or abstinence. Even in the context of an unmarried couple who had already been having sex, sexual relationships can be abstained from at any time in order to seek higher understanding. 

Periods of celibacy, or pseudo-celibacy, are being practiced by many—with or without the outlines of a religion or to curry favor with God. They are indicative of shifting identities since the decades of torrid divisions in the America we were born into. The theology and philosophy of celibacy contain extraordinarily beautiful mysticisms.

It would take another place to signify the impact Hassan’s redirected life has made on himself and others. His pseudo-celibacy resulted in a daily meditation practice, creative pursuits, and a relationship with God. He has dedicated his life to those in recovery, working constantly with parolees and those struggling with addiction. He is designing platforms to represent the voices of women and underrepresented Americans. Other than being HIV-negative, on paper he is a contradiction to every single parameter of Reagan-era idealization: a convicted criminal, a former pimp, drug dealer, firearm-carrying Iranian-Latino exhibiting rampant sexual behavior.

While writing this essay I found out that his gang name was Sucio, meaning ‘Dirty’ or ‘Dirt.’ I am among those who consider their lives saved by him. 

‘Celibacy’ implies a contemplative time, seeking divine understanding. ‘Abstinence’ in America originally arose from those values, and took on different meanings to various groups during a divisive time. Along the lines of opening ourselves up to other perceptions, we rethink what it means to have good lives, to be good people. 

Too many lines have been drawn which separate us from our fellows. Judgment divides. We each have a personal relationship and intention with how and why we choose to have sex, or not have sex. But in the time of our lives between sexual liaisons, be they hours, years, or a lifetime, we may be surprised by what expands our journeys, where we find divinity, and from whom we receive invaluable teachings.