Long Live the Vulva

A tour through the wonderful organ called the female reproductive system. I’VE GONE ON TOUR. I’VE TOURED THE UNITED STATES AND I’VE TOURED THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. I GOT LOST ON BOTH. There is no one word for it. NO? Vagina, vulva, ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes; there is no one word that encompasses that whole, beautiful structure other than female reproductive system from the medical perspective. WHAT ABOUT CUNT? Even the phrase “female reproductive system” doesn’t encompass the magnitude of its brilliance. THAT’S WHY I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THE WORD “CUNT.” IT’S A GREAT WORD. REALLY COMES IN HANDY WHEN YOU’RE PLAYING SCRABBLE. I have heard it called the “Portal of Life” which I find more fitting. WHAT ABOUT “BABY MAKER”? Whatever you decide to call it (I’M STICKING WITH CUNT), it’s a beautiful system, with its own checks and balances. NOW WE’RE MENTIONING “SYSTEMS” AND “CHECKS AND BALANCES”… HOW AM I NOT SURPRISED THAT A CONVERSATION ABOUT VAGINA IS ABOUT TO GET POLITICAL? 

The Vulva

Before getting started, there is a word that needs to be defined, vulva. I DROVE A VULVA IN COLLEGE. The vulva is considered everything you can see on the outside of the female, from the mons pubis (above the pubic bone) to the anus. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, VULVA ALWAYS SOUNDED LIKE VOLVO TO ME. WHICH MAKES ME THINK IT’S VERY SAFE, EASILY MANEUVERABLE, AND DEFINITELY EXPENSIVE. The vagina starts from the vulva and ends at the cervix and is essentially where a tampon, penis, and/or dildo is placed. YOU’RE FORGETTING FINGERS. The cervix is the entrance to the uterus. The uterus is where a baby grows or where an IUD is placed. IT’S ALSO WHERE THE BLOOD IS STORED, WAITING TO RUIN YOUR UNDERWEAR EACH MONTH. The fallopian tubes are the bridges between the ovaries and the uterus. BRIDGES? THAT MAKES THEM SOUND LIKE THERE’S LITTLE VAGINA TROLLS UNDER THEM WAITING TO STEAL THE EGGS THAT CROSS OVER. And finally, the ovaries are where eggs are formed. But let’s take a deeper dive into each and every major structure of the female reproductive system, in all its glory! AS A LESBIAN, I’VE BEEN KNOWN TO DIVE HEAD FIRST. AND GO VERY DEEP. I HAVE RETURNED VICTORIOUS AND AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE…

The Mons Pubis

The mons pubis is a rounded mass of fatty tissue located above the pubic bone. I ONCE HAD AN EMPLOYER OF MINE TELL ME THE REASON I WAS SO ATTRACTIVE WAS THAT, BECAUSE OF MY YOUTH, MY MONS WAS STILL FLAT AND HADN’T BECOME INFLAMED FROM AGE AND CHILDBIRTH. I WAS 21 AT THE TIME. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. NOW I DO. During puberty, this is where pubic hair grows. It also contains oil-secreting glands, known to secrete pheromones and aid in sexual attraction. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT BEING SWEATY WAS A TURN ON? This is also the area where women become very creative in styling the hair or shaving it off completely. I SHAVE IT OFF. I ALSO PREFER HARDWOOD FLOORS OVER CARPET. IT’S POSSIBLE THE TWO ARE RELATED. The mons pubis is at the top of the vulva and leads into…

The Labia Majora and Minora

Next on our tour are the lips, or as we know them in the medical community, the labia majora (the outer lips) and labia minora (the inner lips). EVERY TIME I HEAR LABIA MINORA, I GET EXCITED FOR HANUKKAH. Of all the structures discussed, the lips are the most diverse and vary widely from woman to woman. THERE IS NOTHING MINOR ABOUT MY LABIA MINORA. THEY’RE HUGE. I HAVE HUGE LIPS. I ALSO HAVE A BIG MOUTH AND CAN’T KEEP THINGS LIKE THIS PRIVATE. These structures serve a few different purposes: to help protect the internal genital organs from harmful organisms, to provide sexual pleasure, and to enable sperm to enter the body. LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE—MY LIPS HAVE ALWAYS KEPT SPERM OUT. I FELT THEM SEAL SHUT AT THIS VERY MOMENT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. THEY’RE SEALED LIKE AN ENVELOPE CONTAINING A CEASE AND DESIST LETTER TO ALL SPERM EVERYWHERE… NOW I HAVE THE SONG “OUR LIPS ARE SEALED” STUCK IN MY HEAD. The lips contain many blood vessels, and during sexual stimulation, engorge with blood and assist in lubrication. MY LIPS GET EVEN LARGER WHEN I’M TURNED ON. THEY GET DROOPY AND MAKE MY VAGINA LOOK LIKE IT SUFFERED A STROKE.

The Clitoris

Let’s continue with my favorite part of the vulva, known as the clitoris. YES, LET’S. IT’S MY FAVORITE TOO. The clitoris is a small bulb structure, located towards the upper end of the vulva. MINE GETS BIGGER AND HARD WHEN I’M TURNED ON. IT’S LIKE A TINY DICK! IN FACT, IN THE EARLY STAGES OF FETAL DEVELOPMENT, WHEN REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS FORM AND BIOLOGICAL GENDER TAKES SHAPE, THE CLIT LITERALLY BECOMES A PENIS IN MALE FETUSES. RIGHT DOC? However, this small bulb, known as the ‘glans clitoris’, is a part of a larger wish-bone shaped structure that hugs the urethra and vaginal opening, and this whole wishbone structure comprises the clitoris. SPEAKING OF WISHBONES, I WISH I HADN’T JUST WELCOMED BONERS INTO THIS CONVERSATION ABOUT VAGINAS. BUT I’VE BEEN CONDITIONED BY THE PATRIARCHY AND ITS OBSESSION WITH THE MALE SEX ORGAN. IT’S NOT MY FAULT.

When a woman is aroused, and truthfully aroused, the glans clitoris engorges with blood and protrudes forward, away from the protective clitoral hood. TOLD YOU. Evolutionarily speaking, the clitoris has only one function, and that is sexual pleasure. THAT’S GANGSTER. There are no other known functions of the clit, and for good reason: this structure contains over 8,000 nerve endings, making it a super sensitive part of the female body, and contains more nerve endings than the glans penis. THE FACT THAT I GET PAID LESS BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A PENIS REALLY STRIKES A NERVE. ALL 8,000 OF THEM. Because of its vast sensitivity, this is the area many women touch, fondle, and rub to ‘get off,’ also known as masturbation. IT’S ALSO KNOWN AS OTHER THINGS. LIKE ‘FLICKING THE BEAN,’ ‘PETTING THE EAGLE’S BEAK,’ ‘SCRATCHING THE VINYL,’ ‘DOING A DJ SET AT COACHELLA,’ ‘FINGER PAINTING,’ ‘SAFE SEX,’ AND ‘DIY TIME.’ And I encourage each and every female with a clitoris to become familiar with this area. AND I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE A CLIT TO GET ONE, OR AT LEAST BORROW ONE FROM A FRIEND. 

THE URETHRAL OPENING

This opening is a bit hard to find, but it’s located directly below the clitoris. BACTERIA HAS NO PROBLEM FINDING IT. The urethra is the connection between the bladder and the outside world, and is where urine comes out. CAN YOU TRANSMIT MESSAGES TO THE BLADDER THROUGH THE URETHRA? BECAUSE MY BLADDER SEEMS VERY OUT OF TOUCH, LIKE AN OLD REPUBLICAN WHITE MAN THAT CAN’T RELATE TO YOUNG PEOPLE. Fun fact: the urethra is shorter for a female compared to the male urethra, therefore urinary tract infections are more common in women. I HAVE FOUND THIS TO BE VERY TRUE, BASED ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. Essentially, bacteria has a shorter distance to travel to the bladder. UTIs can be prevented with a couple helpful tips. First, wiping from front to back instead of back to front. More specifically, wiping from mons pubis to anus after urinating helps prevent bacteria from traveling from the anus to the urethra. Second, urinate before and after sex. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. I APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE FOR THE FREQUENCY WITH WHICH I URINATE. EITHER YOU ACCEPT THAT I’M CONSTANTLY GOING TO GET UP AND PEE DURING SEX, OR WE CAN’T HAVE SEX AT ALL WHILE I CLEAR UP THIS UTI. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. Sex can involve much friction and can introduce bacteria throughout the vulva, so to help prevent bacteria from traveling up the urethra, it’s helpful to urinate. I GET UTI’S THE MOST WHEN I’M HAVING A LOT OF SEX. SO BASICALLY, I GET UTI’S ALL THE TIME. IT IS COMMON FOR UTI’S TO OCCUR WHEN SEX IS FREQUENT, SO MUCH SO THAT THEY ARE COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS “HONEYMOON CYSTITIS”. The urethral opening is also where female ejaculate, or squirt-juice, comes out—and we will explore more on that in a bit! DON’T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL! OR AN EXTRA SET OF SHEETS, IF YOU’RE A BALLER.

THE UTERUS

The uterus, or the womb, is one of the most magical parts of a woman. AND IT’S THE CHEAPEST PLACE I EVER LIVED. The uterus is a pear-shaped muscular organ that houses a developing fetus. RENT FREE. BUT THEN YOU GET EVICTED. It’s magical because each month the lining of the uterus gets thicker to allow for a fertilized egg to grow. If a fertilized egg isn’t detected, then a period happens, which is essentially sloughing off of the lining of the uterus. MAGIC IS MAKING ALL THE PERIOD STAINS IN MY UNDERWEAR DISAPPEAR. If a fetus is detected, then the uterine lining provides blood and other nutrients to the developing baby. MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER SMOKED A PACK A DAY WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME, SO I GOT A HEALTHY DOSE OF NICOTINE TOO. I WAS FULL TERM AND WEIGHED 4 POUNDS. JEALOUS? #LOWBIRTHWEIGHT. As mentioned earlier, the uterus is also where a popular form of birth control is placed, called the IUD or Intrauterine Device. I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT LESBIANISM IS ALSO AN EFFECTIVE FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. I’VE BEEN TESTING THE THEORY FOR YEARS. SO FAR, SO GOOD.

THE FALLOPIAN TUBES

These are two narrow tubes that are attached on each side of the upper part of the uterus and serve as a pathway for the eggs to travel from the ovaries to the uterus. SOMETIMES I REALLY FEEL LIKE I TOOK THE PATH LEAST TRAVELED. At the end of each fallopian tube are finger-like projections, called fimbriae, that move in a sweeping motion and help with bringing the egg into the tube. SO, SOMEONE LAID THEIR FINGERS ON ME BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN? BEFORE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO REPORT IT? IS IT TOO LATE TO PRESS CHARGES, OR IS THERE NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS? Sperm usually fertilizes an egg in the fallopian tubes on its way down to the uterus. SERIOUSLY? I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT HAPPENED IN THE UTERUS. I THOUGHT THE FALLOPIAN TUBES WERE LIKE A ONE WAY STREET. BUT YOU’RE SAYING THEY’RE ACTUALLY LIKE THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN BORDER, WHERE IT’S EASY GOING ONE WAY BUT VERY DIFFICULT TO COME BACK THE OTHER WAY?

THE OVARIES

And last, but definitely not least, are the ovaries! These are two small, almond-shaped structures located on each side of the uterus. HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE ALMOND-SHAPED. TURNS OUT MY OVARIES MATCH MY EYES. COLOR ME BEAUTIFUL. They serve a couple of different functions: to produce the female hormones estrogen and progesterone and to mature and release eggs during each menstrual cycle. I WOULD LIKE TO PRODUCE MORE ESTROGEN. I WOULD LIKE FIRMER SKIN, LESS FACIAL HAIR, AND TO CRY MORE IN MOVIE THEATERS. Fun fact, a female is born with all the eggs that she will ever have, which is estimated to be around two million. FUN FACT, THAT’S A SMALL COUNTRY. OR THE POPULATION OF TIJUANA. As soon as a female gets to puberty, the eggs decrease to approximately 400,000 eggs stored in the ovaries. THAT’S GENOCIDE. From puberty to menopause, only 400-500 eggs will reach maturity, be released from the ovary (known as ovulation), and released into the fallopian tubes for fertilization. THAT’S 4-500 POTENTIAL TAXPAYERS. THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD GIVE US A TAX BREAK FOR EACH ONE OF THOSE, AND TAX MEN EXTRA FOR EVERY TIME THEY CUM INTO A SOCK. THAT WOULD DEFINITELY FIX THE WAGE GAP…

Overall, the female reproductive system is a fascinating group of organs, capable of so much magic, and should be treated with nothing but the highest respect. AND THE MORE RESPECTFUL YOU ARE, THE WETTER IT’LL GET.