In BDSM We Trust

honoris. concordia. imperium.

text VIRGINIA RAND

4×5 film MILANA BURDETTE

Submissive euphoria arises in exercising autonomy by deciding what is done and to whom you give your body; willingly handing over the proverbial reins. Inversely, dominance is not something that is demanded, but given. This honored energetic exchange is the foundation of a trusting sexual, sensual, and energetic bond in BDSM. The dichotomy is rooted in trust and communication. Covenant, worship, and psychological or spiritual ecstasy become realms for energetic exchanges within BDSM.

Tropes of this culture are often misconstrued, the point missed entirely outside of the community. Pertaining to the behavior around bondage, dominance, discipline, submission, sadomasochism, and various forms of chosen dynamics or roleplaying, the semantics and specificities of varying details distract the outside eye from the principles of this culture, though they distinguish it from other human sexual practices.

Proper practitioners of BDSM refer to a researched and regulated community of consenting adults who have gathered around mutual and expressed enthusiasm for the wide spectrum of behavior, sexual expression, and energy exchange. Set aside preconceived images of pop culture-inflated taboo surrounding BDSM: the whips, the leather and latex, the ropes. Consider the more abstract phenomena around these physicalities. Recognize the divine delight of allowing your body to be wholly (holy) given in good faith to another: to trust so freely yields liberation in sexuality to the point of spiritual experience. Rather than being trapped in the body, BDSM allows an intense experience of self at the hands of another, defying surface view, setting a paradigm of sexual experience built entirely on trust, willingness, and boundaries. Contingent on these principles, exchanging the control of their being sets the blueprint. Guiding their sensory experience is the responsibility of the Dom(me), to both understand and serve the sanctity of the space and trusted boundaries, and to ensure the sub alights safely back into their body and regular state of mind post-exchange.

A true Dom(me) barks no demand for power prior to negotiation and drawing boundaries. Dom(me)s do not coerce, set ultimatums, manipulate, or berate someone for submission—unless, of course, berating is specifically requested. More precious than the physical binding, the handcuffs and nipple clamps, is the abstract sanctity of trust in psychological, emotional and spiritual realms of the participants. Recognized in the honored traditions of BDSM, a true Dom(me) is one who earns their right to receive this trust.

I say ‘true Dom(me)’ to distinguish those from people who simply self-appoint themselves to dominant sexual roles in order to demand submission and justify inflicting physical and non-consensual power over an uninformed partner. Such behavior is not BDSM, it is manipulation and abuse. Pestering and demanding fall under the same category, and do not yield true consent from an openly willing place.

BDSM culture and conventions strongly encourage education, practice, established language, and a gradual progression of extremity in all forms of sadomasochism, bondage, ropes, D/s relationships, and the non-exhaustive list of behaviors associated with these practices. As trust should build in any relationship, BDSM trust is physically expressed in the relationships within the safe/controlled/monitored/agreed-upon spaces which yield gratification.

Depending on the negotiation, in the time following scenes and exchanges, roles are set aside to tend to the humanity of two people who trust one another with their body and mind. Knowledge around the chemical and hormonal peaks and crashes are recognized and attended. An attuned practitioner, particularly the responsible Dom(me), is aware of such physiological aftercare needed with the physical and/or neurological effects of their partner’s submission, and is prepared to guide them down from such intense psychological/physical/spiritual experience. Many have taken the time to learn basic first aid and resuscitation.

Caring for one another is rooted at the core of BDSM parameters. How consciousness and awareness for the self and the partner(s) is brought into the space of sexual exchange far exceeds the consideration for one another in other societal sexual behaviors. When discussing hormonal activity during heteronormative sexual exchanges, the most common thread lies in the differences between men and women. Specifically, that women tend to develop attachment hormones. Such information is passed around with ominous tones of warning between young heterosexual men. In which case, the aftercare of sex is not out of concern for the other person, but in concern for one’s own ability to make a post-coital escape. Negotiation, boundaries, and aftercare, are not such core elements of mainstream sexual relationships, be they brief or long-term.

This vilified community has distinguished the spiritual and humanizing elements of trust that give high respect to clear consent and inherent knowledge of the self and the exchange. The online Submissive Guide, subtitled “Helping You Find Yourself,” presents itself akin to a therapeutic website, and in the navigation bar there is a section dedicated to “Personal Growth” as well as “Safety,” “Skills,” and “Communication.”

These concepts of trust, boundaries, respect, and exploration around sex were not something made readily available to me during adolescence and young adulthood. We were told to establish boundaries, but we were never told how. Encouragement for explicit communication was rare, and stemmed from a place of discomfort, where talking about sex was discouraged. I wonder how heteronormative society might unfold within the BDSM paradigm of honoring one another, trusting our partners, and respecting the power exchange which occurs inevitably to various degrees during any sexual exchange.

While sex as a means of worship is restricted and controlled in western spiritual understanding, many of us have ideas about sex taught outside of any decent education system, namely the media. Magazine covers telling women how to serve men in a heteronormative world exploit sex as something controversial and eye-catching, but does not honor the inner fulfillment that esists beyond the shallow need to be desirable. ‘Rock his world,’ ‘blow-his-mind blow jobs,’ ‘how to please your man,’ and every sex position, no matter how impractical, simply for the sake of showmanship, rendering sexuality into more of a circus show.

The irony of BDSM is that the outward appearance contradicts its intentions and ethos. Respecting the sentiments of all participants is, at core, the primary mutual goal within exchanges. Boundaries are set from the start, and are always subject to renegotiation. Women involved in BDSM as subs have been known to say that they didn’t realize how poorly they’d been treated by previous partners in mainstream sex prior to their exposure to these parameters. Boundaries were never encouraged in sexual or romantic relationships and they felt they were often made to subscribe to whatever pleased their partner. In BDSM, all that is wanted, and not wanted, is laid out, often on paper, with a willingness to explore and experience connectivity to the self, the other, and mental and spiritual places beyond the body.

Respecting the sanctity of trust and communicated boundaries between practitioners is what separates the physical acts from negative psychological effects. While vilified as glorifying abuse and rape, critics of BDSM overlook the true horrors resulting from these acts. Trauma is not necessarily caused by physical contact, but in being stripped of autonomy and choice, being rendered powerless when power is not willingly handed over. As exemplified in recent political movements, it is clear that mainstream society has not established solid grounds for honoring consent. Trusting sexual partners has become a difficult endeavor for all genders and orientations, as sex has bulldozed its way into our lives as a compulsive act that is not openly discussed. Masquerading as “mystery,” sex was not encouraged as a discussion between partners, and so when boundaries were crossed, feelings hurt, or power was taken without consent, the insidious ramifications could hide from clear sight.

From negotiating, boundary-setting, establishing language and means of communication, aftercare, and safety precautions, the BDSM community has set an unprecedented standard of safety, trust, respect, and guidelines during sex that is woefully unmatched in more widely visible “vanilla sex.” We are encouraged to have a conversation and redetermine the lines of what constitutes abuse and a breach of trust and boundaries, inspired by the precedents of BDSM.

Experiences in this realm reflect an act of worship rather than exploitation. Some say that a power outside of the participants is made available to tap into via such open willingness. Regardless, this community has been grossly misrepresented. The true principles provide inspiration to establish explicit trust. ҂